that's how I want to go out...

I'll be a rockin' grandma too- if I make it that long.

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Halloween boredom

I’m a little bummed out because this is the first Halloween in a long time that I’m not going to be celebrating (save for putting on a “My First Halloween” bib on Sean). All the friends, bars, and music venues are doing their costume parties tonight. I always GO ALL OUT for this holiday. I pride myself on my homemade costumes- even if it’s the night before or the night of, I rummage through my hefty bag full of ‘may be a good costume piece one day’ clothing and come up with something. I like to get started a month early or so, so that I can really get it right. Last year I was (upon last minute rumaging) a dirty hooker, black eye and all. I even stuffed the rear end of my leopard print pants with inconstancy pads- I had the most borderline offensive booty in the place! Some of my past favorites include Cruella DeVil and Carmen Miranda (the chiquita banana woman).

As I was saying to a friend tonight, I am really excited that I have a child now for this holiday. I’ll get to re-live the magic all over again, and dress up with him when we go tricker treating!!!!! Mommy’s also going to rummage through his candy bag to look for poisoned candies (aka stealing some of the ones I like). *smile*

I also can’t wait to get my own house. I want to be the “scary house” in the neighborhood. There was a guy in our neighborhood growing up that ALWAYS had something scary in store for the trick or treaters. We would stand at the bottom of the driveway and dare each other to go up there. He would hide in the bushes and jump out with a roaring chainsaw (de-chained), or set out a scarecrow a month before Halloween then the night of, be the scarecrow and jump at you when you knock on the door. It was AWESOME!!!! I soooo want to do that too!

I’m really bored, and now would be the perfect time to try to clean up my laptop. I’m running out of disk space and can’t even defrag it. The three major things that are taking up space are my pics, my music, and everything I’ve written and saved since I got this thing five years ago. This is tedious and monumental stuff. The pics I like to have on hand because I never know when I’m in the mood to take a trip down memory lane, or want a specific pic or cartoon to post somewhere. I’m reluctant to put them on a disk and stash it away. The writing I hardly ever go back and read, but they are forever protected from prying eyes in my computer. I also worry about what might happen to the disks of my writing- theft, or losing them, or fire or whatever home catastrophes may come. I could make multiple disks, but then the likelihood of them being found and read is greater. It’s not like they’re pornographic or the confessions of a serial killer or anything, but they’re MY thoughts (granted, in print) but if I feel the need for other people to read them I will try and have them published. And oh good lord the music!

The music is the real beast here. I have the regular Windows media player and I don’t know how many albums on there. I think my downfall came about the time I was house sitting for my musician/music loving best friend and her husband. I told her I was going to put some of their CD’s on my computer. I don’t think her husband was too thrilled about it, I think he’s in the “that’s stealing” boat, but I don’t think she minded as much. I considered it getting paid (granted one could argue that it was actually Susan Tedeschi and Eddie Vedder paying) for the efforts of taking care of a Jack Russell Terrior, a Chihuaha, and a medium sized Lulabell mutt- all three of which were hyper, loved to pee when they saw me/ I wrestled with them (not to mention pooing in the hallway that led to my bedroom), and pur Lula who howled in mourning outside my door every time I went to have a dog-free good night’s sleep. I make them sound a bit horrid, but I do love those little critters, and still consider myself “aunt lisa” to all of them, even after the divorce and custody battle. Back on track…. I burned probably upwards of about 30 albums, a lot of them artists that I’ve never heard of before (thinking “if they like them, then I probably will too…”) I haven’t gotten around to listening to all the albums, and for some of them I’ve heard a song or two while hitting ‘random’ on the player. (that’s another story too, I feel a little abused when I have to rush to change the song after being assaulted by Tears For Fears’ “Change”) I know I need to get rid of a lot of the music on there, but I feel the need to listen to the albums first, and just keep the songs I like. It’ll take forever!!! And what about those artists that I feel I should keep for posterity… s/a the more boring less thought provoking Leonard Cohen of the eighties, or those of the Peter Frampton/Steely Dan/Jackson Browne/Fleetwood Mac sort that I rarely listen to?

I was just thinking now, that I could break it down into a game-plan, and not get overwhelmed by the big picture. Listen to one or two albums a day, I could even do it during Sean’s feedings, and erase/keep accordingly. Good idea! Also make it a goal to buy myself a little fire-proof safe.

So that’s that, and a good half an hour’s time wasted on rambling to you here.

THURSDAY

And if I loved you Wednesday,
Well, what is that to you?
I do not love you Thursday–
So much is true.

And why you come complaining
Is more than I can see.
I loved you Wednesday,–yes–but what
Is that to me?

from "A Few Figs from Thistles" (1922). -Edna St.Vincent Millay

emotional honesty

These two words have been stuck together in my head for about four days now. The statement applies to so many life circumstances. I can't seem to yet pinpoint exactly what it is that I want to say about it. But I can't get those two words out of my head....maybe more about them later......

Okay, I'm back now

I read my brother’s blog the other day, which is pretty well-roundend. It has everything from politics, entertainment, family, to “home” (The good ol’ South). I normally only respond to the posts about my niece and the South. Things I know well.

The abortion argument that ensued in his comment box kinda sent me over the edge. What set me off was a commenter essentially accusing my bro of being a “MAN” who knows nothing (personally) about the subject, and was postulating from some high, foreign pulpit. In all actuality, he was there for me in both of my conception experiences. We didn’t always agree on what was the “right” or “best” thing to do, but he still knows and understands the difficulties of someone in a position to make a choice like that.

We assume so much about each other. We never really know what a person has been through until they share it.

I haven’t written much, especially anything meaningful, in months because of my recent pregnancy and subsequent motherhood. I wasn’t sure if it was something that I wanted to write about. So I didn’t. So, yeah, I’m a mom now- Joyfully and Proudly!

Even though my comments on my brother’s Abortion blog were a bit hastily written and unedited, I was still pretty proud of what came out. I want to share it here.

Here’s the link to the original argument The A-word at Whatsthatsmell.

And here’s my newly edited version. Not many changes, mostly minor adjustments. Deleting/adding a word or two, or just wording a few sentences in a different way.

Here it is:


Oooohhh! I’m lovin’ this! Some juicy stuff!

So, I think it’s a bit petty and hideous when people assume that pro-lifers are pro-miserable women, and that pro-choicers are pro-murder. This is a complicated matter and it’s not black and white.

My stance? I’m personally pro-life, but politically pro-choice. Our governments do serve the purpose of making some appropriate and meaningful laws that help to protect us, but there are some issues that the government shouldn’t have full control over. Abortion is one of them. I think partial-birth abortions are detestable, it doesn’t take very long for an embryo to show signs of post-natal life. I believe in limits in this respect. I say hooray to laws that would ban them, think about it: should we accept and hug Ted Bundy because he was doing what was in his “rights” as a human being in this country? We could bring up Welfare too, but that’s neither here nor there considering the many types of people who use it, and the varying reasons for that. I also think it’s sad that a pretty respectable and competent Presidential candidate could lose a large number of voters based on a religious concept, that for whatever merit it may hold, goes against the basics of Liberty.


It penetrates a lot further than ‘Will I be pleasing the Feminists/Socialists or the Church?’ Take the very essence of the issue. Life and questions of. A woman, and I speak from some serious serious experience, could give two defecatings about what the church or the government or her feminist sisters are thinking when faced with this decision. It is all about emotion, existence, pain, fear, happiness, the wind that caresses your face and could possibly one day do the same to the clump of cells in your womb- or not. If there were ever an existential, Nirvana-like (yes, it is a religious concept, but I can’t think of a more appropriate description) experience for a woman, it is when faced with this decision. You have to go deep, really deep. You have to go so far into yourself that it is scarier than meeting Leatherface’s cousins in the West Virginia mountains. At the same time you are inward, you also have to be as far outside of yourself. Who was it that said “Nature is cruel?” Imagine that one of the most defining, important, delicate moments in your life; when you need to be the most level-headed you’ve ever been, that your emotions go bonkers because of hormones. And let me tell you, I think there is merit to the choosing one’s partner element as far as ‘sleeping with the wrong people’ goes. Our species thrives now because of survival of the fittest. That’s a fact. I do believe that abortion allows men and women to not be so picky about the issue of procreation, that we often drop the ball. And it is more than helpful to a woman to have TRUE support from the man you’ve procreated with, whatever may come of the circumstance. I love this quote (*have to look up the author in a mag I recently read, get back to you on that one) that this women made about sexual decisions. She likens choosing one’s partner to baking. She says we should learn to “sample that unidentifiable ingredient before adding it to the cake mix.” It could be salt after all….. I also find it fascinating that in our evolution, the human is at a point where they actually have to make a decision like this. Even just as early as 60-100 years ago, there was no choice to be made. You were preggo and that was that. Yeah, you might’ve been ostracized and/or put in a home for pregger unweddeds- “off to take care of Aunt Margaret”, but there was no life/lack of life decisions to be made. Being more responsible with oneself can really make for an easier life.


**The military husband really is a flimsy argument because it underscores the sacrifices that many families have made since the existence of common, and modern military life. This is what it all boils down to, Sacrifice. What are we really willing to sacrifice for what we think is right and what will make us happy? People in the military are quite aware of the chances of long distance relationships. And many many many a mother has raised quite healthy children basically alone, and those children had to eventually re-meet their fathers. It was all a sacrifice (for whatever reasons, i.e. serving one’s country or needing a steady job that in some countries would otherwise not be available).

These are the questions a woman deals with in this issue:

Am I willing to sacrifice my peace of mind for (fill in the blanks) an abortion, adoption, raising a child?
Will I be able to LIVE with the decision of ________, will I be sacrificing a piece of my spirit?
What will happen to my child if I ________, will I be sacrificing his/her life, his emotional well-being, his lifestyle?
Will I be sacrificing my relationship, the well being of, the lifestyle of the sperm donor (husband, boyfriend, one night stand, whomever he may be) if I _________?

Or religious deity of choice forbid….

Will I be sacrificing my life (health-wise) if I ________?
How will I feel about my rape/molestation if I _________, will it help, hurt?

There’s more where these came from, A LOT MORE.


Who cares about political jargon when it comes to the issue of nothingness versus life. We wouldn’t be able to sit here and argue about it, there wouldn’t be a Kagillion galaxies out there that would drive oneself nuts about if one thought about it hard enough. Maybe it’s right, maybe not, but I firmly believe that unless in the very face of it, the political jargon is equal to nothingness. I am VERY close to saying ‘if you haven’t been there yourself than…’ (-you can guess the rest) Just like those galaxies that may or may not be there, sometimes we have to make a decision about a life that may or may not be there. It’s all about the sacrifices you’re willing to make to see what’s beyond the Milky Way. And there’s a lot of nothing out there, but it doesn’t make it right or wrong.

What we need to be analyzing is the state of the human race, and more importantly, the individual. What does it take to make or break a person? And as far as politics go, how much are we willing to give of ourselves to the law? Government please do protect us a little, but let us also utilize free will. Let us also hope that when using that free will, we will choose wisely, whether it be to sign off on a Bill, to vote , or to decide what is best for you, and your possible family. Every human being is faced with some tough decisions at some point, it’s the nature of the beast, but how these decisions affect us is what is important. We have come a long way since the invention of the wheel. We are unquestionably inquisitive, whether religions are true or not, we have an inner compass. We’re are all in a state of adjusting those compasses.

(My second comment on the site….)

That sounded a bit dramatic, but concieving under the least optimal circumstances is dramatic.

What I failed to mention, that is really important to me, is that I am the biological mother of a healthy, happy birthson who I get to see about once a year (and would be more often if he weren't across the water), and the mother of a son I am raising. Both of these children have been a tremendous gift despite any tragedy or losses associated with their unique circumstances. I can't imagine life without them, and because of the joy they bring, I feel that life is a really good choice to make. It might not seem like it in the beginning, but I can't help but think there must be a reason why I fell into that statistical 1% of failed birth control. That being said- I also held the hand of, and was/is sometimes still, a shoulder to cry on for a friend who chose an abortion; and the friend of another woman who cannot carry an embryo past three months.


*Martha Beck, quote turned out to be a paraphrase, but on point in the main words
** A commenter made an argument that an abortion was justified in a military family situation because their one year old would already have to re-meet his father, and they didn’t want to inflict the emotional trauma on yet another child that was concieved during the father’s leave from Iraq.

I opened a fortune cookie I’ve been waiting to eat. I was in the middle of writing myself some cliff notes for a serious conversation I need to have. I do believe in helpful coincidences, so I was curious as to what my fortune would be, would it coincide with my current circumstances? There wasn’t a fortune in the cookie. I checked each half and the wrapper, no fortune. And ironically enough, I can’t help but think that it means a little something. The only thing I got outta that cookie was a sweet mouth, and some crumbs on my bare, expanded belly. Quite a jiggly belly according to my pokings, I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said something like that. I think that was my beef with chinese vegatables telling me that the truth is within myself, not within a cookie.