Whirlwind Experience

I find myself not wanting to write about this, but the subject is demanding it of me.

While at work Saturday night, some ghosts of my past came in. They never ordered a drink, but stood at bar talking to somebody and giving me the evil eye. One of my biggest fears came to the fore, and made me realize that this fear was not so irrational.

I knew that there would come a time in the future that I would run into my ex-boyfriend’s friends, and I feared that I would be an object of their wrath because I was the last “bad” thing to happen to him before he died. I saw the possibility of their transferring their grief into an anger towards me. Also I feared that they would feel I didn’t care or didn’t have the right to grieve because, after all, I “broke his heart” and shattered his dreams of being a father (even though we were both at fault for the disintegration of our relationship). We’re not supposed to care about what others think, but it is different when you are dealing with the subject of love, a biological father, death, and adoption. These are very real issues with me, ones that I have carried within me for almost three years now, and are issues that I am slowly coming to terms with. This is THE sensitive spot with me, so when I saw them I was a ball of nerves.

My stomach was in knots, I had a lump in my throat, my tears were begging to be released, and my head was reeling with memories of Steve, shock at seeing his friends, greater shock that they were staring at me hatefully, self-defense, self-reliance, justification, fear. After some intense inner-dialogue, I came to a peaceful conclusion that I have made my peace with Steve. I believe that he knows it, I believe that he watches over our son, and that I do not have to justify my love, my grief, or my actions to anyone. Furthermore, if these people do not have the maturity to see that I was just as much devastated as they were with the loss; and if they lack strength, honesty, humility, and compassion, than I need not worry about the whims of their faulty characters.

I feel good because I remained strong and composed, and let the peace in my spirit take ahold of me. There is no greater satisfaction than knowing who you are, and allowing this knowledge to guide you through life.