Southern Grrrl

I got verklempt......

2008-04-08T21:49:00.006-05:00

I had to go for jury selection today. I was very nervous and excited about it because it was a brand new experience, and serious. I was possibly going to be the one making a decision about somebody else’s life. That’s not an easy thing to think about. My heart was fluttering like mad for the first hour or so, then I just started getting MAD after that, with all the waiting around to go get interviewed. And I thought THAT was the bad part.

Then we get into the court room. There are 54 of us. You are assigned a number. The two opposing attorneys ask the whole room a series of yes or no questions. If it applies to you, you lift up your number card. Cool, no problem, but I do have a bony arse and these wooden church pews are really starting to hurt… What was worse about the situation was that I was on the end of the pew, and somehow everyone ended up scooting right, leaving me with one arse cheek hanging off the bench. I was so incredibly uncomfortable. Then we go to break. The bailiff saw me falling off the bench, and later reminded everyone to make sure all have room to sit; but to no avail, it happened over and over again. The subsequent times though, I felt comfortable enough to tell them to move back over, and it became a running joke, with even the row in front of us laughing when I asked for more space.

The next part of the interrogation began. Having your previous answers recorded, they then asked each one of us individually to tell more about whatever answer that drew a red flag for them. There are 54 of us. It lasted forever! Not to mention the nerves I had before they got to me, and my rear end issues. I was miserable!!! Even moreso after I was interrogated, because it was so tedious and boring and painful. By the end of the day I was ornery. I didn’t want to be there. I was pissed because they made us sit through all that torture. I was angry, and praying that they wouldn’t pick me for the jury.

The end of the session comes along. The two lawyers go back and forth crossing out people on their list, the judge is talking sports and urging us to talk amongst ourselves while we wait to find out who got picked. The guy next to me says that the suspense it killing him, that this is like when we were kids on the schoolyard and hoping that we weren’t going to be picked last, but it is different. I said, and kinda loudly when I reflect back on it, “Yeah, but it’s the OPPOSITE. Here, you’re hoping you don’t get picked!” And then the time came for them to call out the twelve jurors. Runnning down the line, up pops my name. My face turned beet-red with frustration, my heart sank, and I said in a loud tone under my breath “DAMN.”

We are asked to go sit in the jury box (very soft lazy-boy like chairs, thankfully). Before everyone is dismissed, the judge gives us all a lecture. He says (this is not verbatim)

‘I understand that you all took time out of your life to be here. I know a lot of you don’t want to be here, and have to continue to be here. I heard a story once, about a lawyer who was friends with Griffin Bell, an Attorney General who served under many Presidents of both parties. The lawyer friend asked Bell what he should tell his friends when they ask him ‘what is the best way to get out of jury duty?’ He said, without skipping a beat, that our country is founded on two boxes. One , the ballot box. The other, the jury box, and if you’re not willing to participate in either, then maybe you don't deserve to be a citizen of this great country.’ He said a lot more than that, and it wasn't as abrupt. I started to tear up, and was ashamed of myself for my little outburst.

I was humbled, and was tasting the leather of my shoe at that point. I haven’t served in the military like other family members have. I haven’t fought for the Allies, like family members have. I haven’t really done much for this country, except reap the benefits of our freedom. And when I think back to the Revolutionary War days, to Benjamin Franklin, to the Civil Rights Movement, to the current Presidential race, it makes me proud to be called an American. And Bell, and the judge is right. How much is it to ask of me to sit on a hard wooden bench for eight hours, with my rear end hanging off, when there were countless people who have gone through a lot more painful, courageous, horrifying and groundbreaking expieriences than this? All to make sure that we can be free, and we can be protected from those who intend to do us harm, and also to be protected from a judicial system that sometimes punishes people wrongly. It’s not that much to ask of us. And, on the upside, I get to sit in the cushioned chairs tomorrow.

and in Local News......

2008-02-21T22:23:00.008-05:00

I was just saying to someone the other day that I sometimes miss bartending in Tucker. I like the small town atmosphere, where everybody knows each other, and the gossip spreads like wild fire. It can be very entertaining. I got a text early today from a friend telling me that someone had been shot at The Other Bar. I used to work there, and have spoken of the place a fews times here in my blog. My favorite post is THIS ONE. The text said that nobody knew he was shot, he went outside to puke, and then he was dead.

Later, on the evening news, I saw a couple no-gooders I know from the place talking about it, and also the owner. A friend was rushing him to the hospital thinking he had alcohol poisoning because he was puking up blood. A cop pulls him over and sees a bloody, slumped body in the back seat, the guy was pronounced dead at the hospital. One news channel said he was shot in the chest, another said in the stomach. Either way, seems to me (I’m no doctor but…), that if someone had a bullet wound in either place, it would be noticeable. Blood on his shirt maybe? A hole in his shirt? Would he really be sitting there guzzling brews and taking shots of tequila while everyone around, including himself, doesn’t happen to notice one teensy little detail like, um, say, he got shot!?!?????

I know all the employees, and am familiar with the regular crowd. They are not quite angelic (to say the least). It reeks of them covering either one, or all, of their arses. I really wouldn’t put it past them. That’s my take anyway.

I did enjoy seeing my old bar, and people I know on the boob-tube. That was high up on the entertainment-value scale for me. Here’s the link to the Fox 5 News video that shows both the bar I loved dearly, some crazy mofos I know, and actually a couple cops I know (including the precinct’s Sarge, who I dated for a minute). The station that aired my old boss talking had a way better report on it, but they didn’t post it in their video section- shame on them.

Needless to say, this is one of the moments where I am relieved to not be bartending in Tucker anymore.

The video link from Fox 5 is crappy. Here's a better link from Channel 46 News, and this has my old boss on it. It's a re-cap.

update:

Got the real story now (from both a cop friend and the owner). Very different than what the news said, and what the owner said on the news etc. but that was all for the sake of the investigation. Long story short, dude got shot in the parking lot during a drug deal. He got shot in the back of the head, so blood was coming out of his mouth in large ammounts- hence the “he was puking blood.” He was a hairy dude, so the gunshot was not immediately apparent. Both the guy who got shot, and the shooter, were not regulars in the place. (I can now replace ¼ of the humanity that I subtracted from that crew after hearing the real story.)

dying satellite

2008-02-17T11:15:00.003-05:00

So, THIS Reuters article says that the U.S. will foot the bill if the satellite or any of it’s debris causes any damages. The article says:

“Ambassador Christina Rocca said that if efforts fail to strike the satellite with a missile while it is still in space, it was expected to make an ‘uncontrolled re-entry into the earth's atmosphere on or about March 6’.”

I wonder what the chances are of it “uncontrollably” landing on Ahmadinejad’s house?

#9 and Burlesque

2008-02-16T00:40:00.004-05:00

(I think I want to word this differently...)

Great V.D. Day

2008-02-15T02:34:00.002-05:00

I am stone cold sober right now, and completely high on life. I can feel my veins pumping, and I’m so awake at 2am that it’s insane (my normal bedtime is eleven-ish). Adrenaline? Epinephrine? Serotonin? Whatever, I’m stoked! I’ve been thoroughly amused, and creatively inspired tonight.

I wanted to see my friend’s band play, because it had been a long time. It was also one of their last shows. It was a late show for me, but I went anyway. I intended to only stay thirty minutes, and bolt. Turns out there was a burlesque show, with pin-up type chicks dancing partially nude. This struck my interest immediately, and I was spellbound. These chicks were not your typical “hot chick” types. They were naturally curvy, and one was a little on the heavy side, but you could cut the sensuality and sexual tension with a knife! It was so hot and ballsy and creative! I really commended them for their performance.

As my friend’s band starts playing, I notice, and hear that there is going to be some suspension going on. I watch as big metal hooks are pierced into three people’s chests. I HAD to stay for that. I called the babysitter (g-ma), asked for an extension, and explained why. (“Somebody is going to hang from the ceiling by hooks in his chest!!! I HAVE TO SEE THIS!!!”) Not an everyday occurrence. Also, girl and a guy are attached to each other, and create the tension themselves. They pulled backwards and balanced their bodies between the rope that was hooked onto them. The hanging guy ended up bleeding profusely, and couldn’t finish his act. It was a disappointment, but the couple came back on for an encore. It was pretty neat.

My friend’s band played a great set, I enjoyed seeing him in action. They rock. It was good to say hi again. I also met a new friend who seems cool. Just a great night overall.
I don’t get out much anyways, so my enthusiasm is probably heightened, but tonight was one for the books!

Also, I got showered with Valentine's day goodies "from" my baby boy this morning. It was such a good day!!

Is this for real?

2008-02-12T22:24:00.003-05:00

If so, it's already shamefully funny, so what's up with the underroos?

Check this

10 wierd facts

2008-02-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

I was tagged on myspace to complete this list. I had fun with these reminiscings and realizations, so thought I'd add it here too. (Tag, you're it, for anyone reading this)

1. I have a mild fear of stairs. Falling to my death on them, falling and hurting myself badly on them (2 weeks ago), and being chased up them (all you have to do is stand at the bottom while I am walking up and make it sound as if you are running after me and I will bolt to the nearest room and lock myself in it, thanx to my bro Paul)

2. I often talk in my sleep. I wake up still talking but can't shut that part of the brain off for a second, and can't prevent myself from finishing the sentence. So I wake up going "it's on the beach you a**hole!" and I'm like whoa, what was that all about?

3. One of my guilty pleasures is pork skins. It's embarassing for me to admit it, and to buy them ( I'm thinking "YES, I'm a big redneck…")

4. My childhood dream careers were fashion design and archeology. I wish I had remained with either one of those dreams. I find myself fascinated, once again, with both.

5. A friend of mine once threw about twenty bottle rockets into a bonfire, and I was among the 15 or so people who ran away leaving our wheelchair-bound paraplegic friend sitting five feet away from the fire. AND I love a good ol' fashioned bottlerocket fight.

6. I have this toothpaste thing. I can't stand toothpaste that foams up too much, but hate it when it's too pasty and feels like you're just smearing it around on your teeth. The toothpaste companies discontinue toothpaste so much that I end up in a perpetual state of finding my favorite toothpaste. Drives me nuts twice a day.

7. I often curse myself for my ability to see both sides of the equation. It leaves me a suffering piggy-in-the-middle because I try to please everybody. I should learn to say screw everyone else's P.O.V., It's all about me.

8. If I were forced to make the decision of sleeping with one of the presidential candidates (even if by now they've dropped out of the race), it would be…..this is so sick because they are all repugnant in their own special way……maybe based on looks (this is so sick, I'm picturing their sex face- eewww!) in this order…Romney, Huckabee, Biden. Based on testoserone levels…..I'd have to be blindfolded….Giuliani and McCain. Fred Thompson is so nasty I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. If Hilary weren't so bulldog-faced I'd say that I'd switch teams, it's that bad, but oh well. (here's the url to seeing what they all look like: http://youdecide08.foxnews.com/candidates/) Nasty!

9. I was never jealous of beautiful, buxom, have-it-all (such a myth) women until I hit about 25yrs old. I never envied "sexy" women until then. I didn't care about that. I don't watch VH1's '100 Sexiest Hollywood Bodies' because I know that it will make me feel inadequate and need to be changed, when I'm really awesome already. AND in all reality maybe 1% of women are perfect like that, and who wants to be wanted for purely physical worth anyways?

10. I know a lot of good music, but don't know the details. A good chunk of my musical knowledge lies in solely songs themselves. I know a song, but couldn't tell you the artist or album or name of the song. This comes from stealing my oldest brother's mixed cassette tapes after he moved out. Oh well, it's all about the music anyways, isn't it? (Thank you James for both my initiation to good music, and the influence to be open to all kinds of music)

kinda scary

2008-01-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

Stumbled upon this video. I think it's worth listening to.

Jen warns me...

2007-12-11T19:28:00.000-05:00

not to go too far with my newfound domesticity.

(A little insight on our conversation: I am expressing to her how I am becoming a little bit Suzie Homemaker and loving it- learning new recipes to cook, taking care of people etc..... and she warns not to go too far, that the moment I find myself with eyes full of tears watching Oprah- it's gone TOO FAR!!!!!!)

Here's my sign:

My piercing guy in N.Ireland was piercing me the first time (about 5 years ago); and we talked about N.America, and how he had only been to Canada, and we chatted about the place for a bit. He then added "I don't know what we ever did to them to deserve Celine Dion." Of course I cracked up, and any time I see/hear of her, I can't help but think about it. So, the other day, my son wakes up from his afternoon nap. My mom is in the living room watching Oprah. I'm changing his diaper and having floor time with him, and only semi-paying attention to the tv. It's a Celine Dion special. *GROAN* I say to him in my playful baby voice "What did we ever do to Canada to deserve Celine…"

It gets to this part where some girl in the audience lost her dad recently and "their song" is "Because You Loved Me" by her, and they used to slow dance to it etc… Celine sings it for her. Then (and Celine doesn't know this but) some video footage of one of her performances was given to Oprah by her husband. It's about the night her dad died. Celine went ahead and performed that night (saying she knew that was what her dad would've wanted her to do), but she was extremely fragile. It shows her singing and sobbing at the same time. She sings a line and then goes "uh-huh-huh-huh"- catching her breath- you know when you cry really hard and have hiccupy breaths……

I don't care who you are- if you have a ¼ of a heart in you, you would at least well up at the sight. Hands down you have to be a sociopath not to be touched by that. So yes, the Oprah show made me cry once, ONCE.

Upon wiping the quiet tears streaming from my eyes, I looked down and said to my boy "That BAD Celine Dion, going around and making people cry like that!"

To read or not to read...

2007-11-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

There's some hippies on a plane in 1970 who want their drugs back because it sure is lonely without them.

I’ve been reading some bizarre stuff lately.

An example being “The Illuminatus! Trilogy.” I have got to finish this book! It is a book that I’ve owned for a few years now, but never picked it up long enough to stay interested. I’ve managed to get a couple hundred pages in, and am starting to finally get caught up in the story line. It's quite dramatic, but dern hard to read. The narrorator keeps changing places with others, and it’s based on a lot of crack-pot theories and conspiracies mixed in with mysticism- Rosicrusians, Masons etc… It is entertaining though.

I can’t stop wondering what Wilson and Shea were on when they wrote it. And wondering what the point of it all is. It's like reading "Uncle Tom's Cabin" or "Moby Dick" in the sense that it's something to chew on for posterity's sake. I have to admit, in my innermost self-proclaiming voice, that there are some mountains worth climbing. Three cheers for creativity, and the resonance that "I have read that" makes.

I dunno, it is a trudge though. I might just resolve myself to thinking it's not worth reading by me, kinda like Burroughs' "Naked Lunch"- sorry not interested. The 'I am king of the intellectual world' viewpoints, mind altering, and cruelty are just parts of an existence I wouldn't want to live in.

I'll keep at it for a little while longer. It is, after all, just fiction.

that's how I want to go out...

2007-10-31T21:51:00.000-05:00

I'll be a rockin' grandma too- if I make it that long.

Check out THISstory.

Halloween boredom

2007-10-28T00:26:00.000-05:00

I’m a little bummed out because this is the first Halloween in a long time that I’m not going to be celebrating (save for putting on a “My First Halloween” bib on Sean). All the friends, bars, and music venues are doing their costume parties tonight. I always GO ALL OUT for this holiday. I pride myself on my homemade costumes- even if it’s the night before or the night of, I rummage through my hefty bag full of ‘may be a good costume piece one day’ clothing and come up with something. I like to get started a month early or so, so that I can really get it right. Last year I was (upon last minute rumaging) a dirty hooker, black eye and all. I even stuffed the rear end of my leopard print pants with inconstancy pads- I had the most borderline offensive booty in the place! Some of my past favorites include Cruella DeVil and Carmen Miranda (the chiquita banana woman).

As I was saying to a friend tonight, I am really excited that I have a child now for this holiday. I’ll get to re-live the magic all over again, and dress up with him when we go tricker treating!!!!! Mommy’s also going to rummage through his candy bag to look for poisoned candies (aka stealing some of the ones I like). *smile*

I also can’t wait to get my own house. I want to be the “scary house” in the neighborhood. There was a guy in our neighborhood growing up that ALWAYS had something scary in store for the trick or treaters. We would stand at the bottom of the driveway and dare each other to go up there. He would hide in the bushes and jump out with a roaring chainsaw (de-chained), or set out a scarecrow a month before Halloween then the night of, be the scarecrow and jump at you when you knock on the door. It was AWESOME!!!! I soooo want to do that too!

I’m really bored, and now would be the perfect time to try to clean up my laptop. I’m running out of disk space and can’t even defrag it. The three major things that are taking up space are my pics, my music, and everything I’ve written and saved since I got this thing five years ago. This is tedious and monumental stuff. The pics I like to have on hand because I never know when I’m in the mood to take a trip down memory lane, or want a specific pic or cartoon to post somewhere. I’m reluctant to put them on a disk and stash it away. The writing I hardly ever go back and read, but they are forever protected from prying eyes in my computer. I also worry about what might happen to the disks of my writing- theft, or losing them, or fire or whatever home catastrophes may come. I could make multiple disks, but then the likelihood of them being found and read is greater. It’s not like they’re pornographic or the confessions of a serial killer or anything, but they’re MY thoughts (granted, in print) but if I feel the need for other people to read them I will try and have them published. And oh good lord the music!

The music is the real beast here. I have the regular Windows media player and I don’t know how many albums on there. I think my downfall came about the time I was house sitting for my musician/music loving best friend and her husband. I told her I was going to put some of their CD’s on my computer. I don’t think her husband was too thrilled about it, I think he’s in the “that’s stealing” boat, but I don’t think she minded as much. I considered it getting paid (granted one could argue that it was actually Susan Tedeschi and Eddie Vedder paying) for the efforts of taking care of a Jack Russell Terrior, a Chihuaha, and a medium sized Lulabell mutt- all three of which were hyper, loved to pee when they saw me/ I wrestled with them (not to mention pooing in the hallway that led to my bedroom), and pur Lula who howled in mourning outside my door every time I went to have a dog-free good night’s sleep. I make them sound a bit horrid, but I do love those little critters, and still consider myself “aunt lisa” to all of them, even after the divorce and custody battle. Back on track…. I burned probably upwards of about 30 albums, a lot of them artists that I’ve never heard of before (thinking “if they like them, then I probably will too…”) I haven’t gotten around to listening to all the albums, and for some of them I’ve heard a song or two while hitting ‘random’ on the player. (that’s another story too, I feel a little abused when I have to rush to change the song after being assaulted by Tears For Fears’ “Change”) I know I need to get rid of a lot of the music on there, but I feel the need to listen to the albums first, and just keep the songs I like. It’ll take forever!!! And what about those artists that I feel I should keep for posterity… s/a the more boring less thought provoking Leonard Cohen of the eighties, or those of the Peter Frampton/Steely Dan/Jackson Browne/Fleetwood Mac sort that I rarely listen to?

I was just thinking now, that I could break it down into a game-plan, and not get overwhelmed by the big picture. Listen to one or two albums a day, I could even do it during Sean’s feedings, and erase/keep accordingly. Good idea! Also make it a goal to buy myself a little fire-proof safe.

So that’s that, and a good half an hour’s time wasted on rambling to you here.

2007-10-24T00:41:00.000-05:00

THURSDAY

And if I loved you Wednesday,
Well, what is that to you?
I do not love you Thursday–
So much is true.

And why you come complaining
Is more than I can see.
I loved you Wednesday,–yes–but what
Is that to me?

from "A Few Figs from Thistles" (1922). -Edna St.Vincent Millay

emotional honesty

2007-10-21T06:25:00.000-05:00

These two words have been stuck together in my head for about four days now. The statement applies to so many life circumstances. I can't seem to yet pinpoint exactly what it is that I want to say about it. But I can't get those two words out of my head....maybe more about them later......

Okay, I'm back now

2007-10-17T00:04:00.000-05:00

I read my brother’s blog the other day, which is pretty well-roundend. It has everything from politics, entertainment, family, to “home” (The good ol’ South). I normally only respond to the posts about my niece and the South. Things I know well.

The abortion argument that ensued in his comment box kinda sent me over the edge. What set me off was a commenter essentially accusing my bro of being a “MAN” who knows nothing (personally) about the subject, and was postulating from some high, foreign pulpit. In all actuality, he was there for me in both of my conception experiences. We didn’t always agree on what was the “right” or “best” thing to do, but he still knows and understands the difficulties of someone in a position to make a choice like that.

We assume so much about each other. We never really know what a person has been through until they share it.

I haven’t written much, especially anything meaningful, in months because of my recent pregnancy and subsequent motherhood. I wasn’t sure if it was something that I wanted to write about. So I didn’t. So, yeah, I’m a mom now- Joyfully and Proudly!

Even though my comments on my brother’s Abortion blog were a bit hastily written and unedited, I was still pretty proud of what came out. I want to share it here.

Here’s the link to the original argument The A-word at Whatsthatsmell.

And here’s my newly edited version. Not many changes, mostly minor adjustments. Deleting/adding a word or two, or just wording a few sentences in a different way.

Here it is:

Oooohhh! I’m lovin’ this! Some juicy stuff!

So, I think it’s a bit petty and hideous when people assume that pro-lifers are pro-miserable women, and that pro-choicers are pro-murder. This is a complicated matter and it’s not black and white.

My stance? I’m personally pro-life, but politically pro-choice. Our governments do serve the purpose of making some appropriate and meaningful laws that help to protect us, but there are some issues that the government shouldn’t have full control over. Abortion is one of them. I think partial-birth abortions are detestable, it doesn’t take very long for an embryo to show signs of post-natal life. I believe in limits in this respect. I say hooray to laws that would ban them, think about it: should we accept and hug Ted Bundy because he was doing what was in his “rights” as a human being in this country? We could bring up Welfare too, but that’s neither here nor there considering the many types of people who use it, and the varying reasons for that. I also think it’s sad that a pretty respectable and competent Presidential candidate could lose a large number of voters based on a religious concept, that for whatever merit it may hold, goes against the basics of Liberty.

It penetrates a lot further than ‘Will I be pleasing the Feminists/Socialists or the Church?’ Take the very essence of the issue. Life and questions of. A woman, and I speak from some serious serious experience, could give two defecatings about what the church or the government or her feminist sisters are thinking when faced with this decision. It is all about emotion, existence, pain, fear, happiness, the wind that caresses your face and could possibly one day do the same to the clump of cells in your womb- or not. If there were ever an existential, Nirvana-like (yes, it is a religious concept, but I can’t think of a more appropriate description) experience for a woman, it is when faced with this decision. You have to go deep, really deep. You have to go so far into yourself that it is scarier than meeting Leatherface’s cousins in the West Virginia mountains. At the same time you are inward, you also have to be as far outside of yourself. Who was it that said “Nature is cruel?” Imagine that one of the most defining, important, delicate moments in your life; when you need to be the most level-headed you’ve ever been, that your emotions go bonkers because of hormones. And let me tell you, I think there is merit to the choosing one’s partner element as far as ‘sleeping with the wrong people’ goes. Our species thrives now because of survival of the fittest. That’s a fact. I do believe that abortion allows men and women to not be so picky about the issue of procreation, that we often drop the ball. And it is more than helpful to a woman to have TRUE support from the man you’ve procreated with, whatever may come of the circumstance. I love this quote (*have to look up the author in a mag I recently read, get back to you on that one) that this women made about sexual decisions. She likens choosing one’s partner to baking. She says we should learn to “sample that unidentifiable ingredient before adding it to the cake mix.” It could be salt after all….. I also find it fascinating that in our evolution, the human is at a point where they actually have to make a decision like this. Even just as early as 60-100 years ago, there was no choice to be made. You were preggo and that was that. Yeah, you might’ve been ostracized and/or put in a home for pregger unweddeds- “off to take care of Aunt Margaret”, but there was no life/lack of life decisions to be made. Being more responsible with oneself can really make for an easier life.

**The military husband really is a flimsy argument because it underscores the sacrifices that many families have made since the existence of common, and modern military life. This is what it all boils down to, Sacrifice. What are we really willing to sacrifice for what we think is right and what will make us happy? People in the military are quite aware of the chances of long distance relationships. And many many many a mother has raised quite healthy children basically alone, and those children had to eventually re-meet their fathers. It was all a sacrifice (for whatever reasons, i.e. serving one’s country or needing a steady job that in some countries would otherwise not be available).

These are the questions a woman deals with in this issue:

Am I willing to sacrifice my peace of mind for (fill in the blanks) an abortion, adoption, raising a child?
Will I be able to LIVE with the decision of ________, will I be sacrificing a piece of my spirit?
What will happen to my child if I ________, will I be sacrificing his/her life, his emotional well-being, his lifestyle?
Will I be sacrificing my relationship, the well being of, the lifestyle of the sperm donor (husband, boyfriend, one night stand, whomever he may be) if I _________?

Or religious deity of choice forbid….

Will I be sacrificing my life (health-wise) if I ________?
How will I feel about my rape/molestation if I _________, will it help, hurt?

There’s more where these came from, A LOT MORE.

Who cares about political jargon when it comes to the issue of nothingness versus life. We wouldn’t be able to sit here and argue about it, there wouldn’t be a Kagillion galaxies out there that would drive oneself nuts about if one thought about it hard enough. Maybe it’s right, maybe not, but I firmly believe that unless in the very face of it, the political jargon is equal to nothingness. I am VERY close to saying ‘if you haven’t been there yourself than…’ (-you can guess the rest) Just like those galaxies that may or may not be there, sometimes we have to make a decision about a life that may or may not be there. It’s all about the sacrifices you’re willing to make to see what’s beyond the Milky Way. And there’s a lot of nothing out there, but it doesn’t make it right or wrong.

What we need to be analyzing is the state of the human race, and more importantly, the individual. What does it take to make or break a person? And as far as politics go, how much are we willing to give of ourselves to the law? Government please do protect us a little, but let us also utilize free will. Let us also hope that when using that free will, we will choose wisely, whether it be to sign off on a Bill, to vote , or to decide what is best for you, and your possible family. Every human being is faced with some tough decisions at some point, it’s the nature of the beast, but how these decisions affect us is what is important. We have come a long way since the invention of the wheel. We are unquestionably inquisitive, whether religions are true or not, we have an inner compass. We’re are all in a state of adjusting those compasses.

(My second comment on the site….)

That sounded a bit dramatic, but concieving under the least optimal circumstances is dramatic.

What I failed to mention, that is really important to me, is that I am the biological mother of a healthy, happy birthson who I get to see about once a year (and would be more often if he weren't across the water), and the mother of a son I am raising. Both of these children have been a tremendous gift despite any tragedy or losses associated with their unique circumstances. I can't imagine life without them, and because of the joy they bring, I feel that life is a really good choice to make. It might not seem like it in the beginning, but I can't help but think there must be a reason why I fell into that statistical 1% of failed birth control. That being said- I also held the hand of, and was/is sometimes still, a shoulder to cry on for a friend who chose an abortion; and the friend of another woman who cannot carry an embryo past three months.

*Martha Beck, quote turned out to be a paraphrase, but on point in the main words
** A commenter made an argument that an abortion was justified in a military family situation because their one year old would already have to re-meet his father, and they didn’t want to inflict the emotional trauma on yet another child that was concieved during the father’s leave from Iraq.

2007-10-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

I opened a fortune cookie I’ve been waiting to eat. I was in the middle of writing myself some cliff notes for a serious conversation I need to have. I do believe in helpful coincidences, so I was curious as to what my fortune would be, would it coincide with my current circumstances? There wasn’t a fortune in the cookie. I checked each half and the wrapper, no fortune. And ironically enough, I can’t help but think that it means a little something. The only thing I got outta that cookie was a sweet mouth, and some crumbs on my bare, expanded belly. Quite a jiggly belly according to my pokings, I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said something like that. I think that was my beef with chinese vegatables telling me that the truth is within myself, not within a cookie.

2007-05-24T20:40:00.000-05:00

Here's Scamp, the base dog I spoke of in a previous post. This pic was taken August 1964.

2007-04-19T00:59:00.000-05:00

thought I'd share....

2007-04-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

I mentioned the article in my previous post to my father, and he told me about a similar story. When he was stationed at the (long since closed) U.S. Naval base in Londonderry, NI, there was a dog who lived there named Scamp. Scamp was kind of a base “mascot” for them. Scamp would leave the base, walk the few blocks to the bus stop, get on the bus, change busses at another stop, and go to the Diamond bar where the navy men hung out. He was even known to catch a cab outside the bar back to the base (people, cabbies, in the area got to know him). I love stories like this. Animals can be so smart!

2007-04-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

Here's a story about a cat who takes the bus for kicks.

Grip Magazine and bad grammar

2007-04-05T19:27:00.000-05:00

I have to share this bit of an article I read last night. As a lover of reading, and an aspiring writer, it really blows my mind. I saw the title of the mag "GRIP" and thought it was for and about the Theatre (because stage-hands are called ‘grips’), but it’s an Atlanta ‘Urban’ Arts magazine, rappers, stylists, up and coming writers etc. I kept reading it, although I was disappointed it wasn't about the theatre.

There’s an interview with a young woman named Olivia, who performs with "G-Unit."
The interviewer asked her about what it was like going to two different Colleges at the same time. I was thinking “You go girl!” until I reached the end of her reply and wondered what good all that education was when she can’t speak proper English.

Excerpt:

“My mother wanted me to go to Hofstra, but I wanted to go to music school, so I was like ‘let me do this both', and then Clive Davis come and saved me.”

Then on a later question about her image she says:

“I still think they focus on my beauty until they come to a live show. Then they be like, ‘wow you can really sing.’ It pisses me off sometime, but I just chalk it up. I be like, ‘I’m glad you finally caught up.”

Good grief girl! I just wonder why she wouldn’t want to present herself as an educated woman, as so many women in the spotlight do these days. It really irks me to hear people talk like that! I wonder what her mother thinks of her language after sending her to school!!

forgot to add:
Most of the articles in this magazine used bad grammar. There is a blurred line here between journalistic integrity and ethno-centricity. The latter is important to a lot of people, but it seems to me in a publication, the former should come first. Maybe they're trying to break the mold (journalistically) by sticking to the mold (socially).

2007-03-19T01:41:00.000-05:00

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

-Anais Nin

2007-03-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

HAPPY ST.PATTY'S DAY!!!

You know what they say about green beer don't ya....

It makes you're teeth green.

my royal name

2007-03-15T02:41:00.001-05:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Eminence the Very Viscountess Lisa the Simple of Fritterton on the Marshes
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

thx to my bro

2007-03-11T04:51:00.000-05:00

What I found on this website says a lot about our world. Reality checks suck sometimes. I am kinda pissed off and disturbed.

I found myself quite awake and bored tonight after work, and decided to check out YouTube to see if there were any funny videos to watch. Knowing that the videos with just one person being goofy probably wasn’t going to make me smile, I went to the pets and animals section. What I found has brought me into a very dark mood.

What started it all was a video about a ‘mad cat.’ It is a cat in a kennel, and as soon as the person with the video comes near, (i.e. human), it starts wailing and hissing severely. All I could think was, ‘What happened to this cat, to where he is so terrified of humans that he would react that way!?!!!?’ And the fact that the person behind the camera thought it was funny made me even sicker. The sheer wail coming from that cat is so powerful. I had to hold back my tears. ( I would give the link, but it was SO DISTURBING to me, that I don’t wish anyone else that same feeling I got from watching it) So then I keep looking at the other links, thinking that it was just one bad apple in the bunch..... but no. A parrot who was taught to ask if you were a lesbian, a donkey trying to have sex with a camel, a kitten looking for milk on a male dog. The majority of the videos on that site, human, animal, whatever... are pure filth. It says a lot about us and what we consider “entertainment.”

p.s what does "we're out of beta mean?"

2007-02-13T20:39:00.000-05:00

Great Headlines from Drudge Report

HEARING ON 'WARMING OF PLANET' CANCELED BECAUSE OF SNOWSTORM

and

SAVE IT FOR A SUNNY DAY: Maryville Univ. in St. Louis area cancelling screening of Al Gore's 'Inconvenient Truth' because of a snowstorm...

Hehe

2007-02-12T10:15:00.000-05:00

Saw this video today, Old Lady v. Mercedes totally made me smile, and watch it over and over again.

Here's another one I caught a few days back that I love. The guy's laughing makes it all the more amusing. Rabbit v. Snake

2007-01-31T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is about how I've been feeling these days, life can be so overwhelming sometimes!

2007-01-14T03:22:00.000-05:00

This Dead Relationship

2007-01-10T05:23:00.000-05:00

Just read a good poem by Katherine Pierpoint called "This Dead Relationship." I especially loved this little bit.....

"Oh, a sickness that can make you so ill,
Yet doesn’t have the decency to kill you.
A mad free-fall that never hits the ground,
Never knows even the relief of sudden shock;
Just endless medium-rare shock, half-firm, half-bloody all the time.
A long, slow learning curve.
The overheating that can strip an engine badly,
Strain it far worse than a racing rally.
The fear that you will slow to a stop
Then start a soft, thick, slow-gathering roll backwards.

I want something that is familiar but not.
To feel in someone else’s pocket for a key
While they lean away, laughing, their arms up,
Hands in the air covered in grease or dough or paint or clay."

ain't this the truth

2007-01-09T23:42:00.000-05:00

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.
Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.
When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.
But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

What's Your Beer Personality?

2006-12-27T02:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays all!

Some thought and an RIP to James Brown and President Gerald Ford.

1933-2006

1913-2006

2006-12-10T14:28:00.000-05:00

Last night at work I was pleasantly surprised at the politeness and conscientiousness of my customers. They waited patiently if I was busy, they thanked me, they tipped well, and they brought their dirty glasses from their tables to the bar. On many occasions I saw different people bring two or three empty glasses from their table to me at the bar. It was great! I reflected on it a little at one point, and it occurred to me that it was because of the crowd that was in there. It was a rockabilly and indie music crowd. Working class folks. Folks who know what it’s like to bust you’re a*s and clean up after a bunch of fu*kers!

The main schtick lately for music at my bar has been hippie jam bands. In general, a bunch of ungratious, pretentious, higher-living, demanding, half-yuppie messy yahoos. (and some full yuppies too- you know, those who need some redeeming indentity outside of the corporate world) Maybe I should cut them some slack, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they’re so hopped up on mind-altering substances that they don’t see any thing but the color of the music? Baaaahhhh.

Anyways that was an attack, I know. But I have found on the whole that most of these people are not patient at the bar, roll their eyes at you giving this “you’re useless look” while they clearly see you making someone else a drink. We don’t have waitresses, just bartenders, and at the end of the night the place looks like a bomb hit it; unless you get the chance between busy moments to walk onto the floor and collect emptys, which I dread doing because the very presence of you around the tables automatically makes these people think you are now a waitress. The rocker crowd last night? When I went out on the floor, not one person asked me to bring them a drink, they saw my task at hand and left me alone. (I'm not complaining too much about the mess really, because that's part of the job, but it sure is nice when people make an effort to lessen your load)

The social argument here is basically the difference between the upbringings and standards of these two different crowds (or cliques, if you will). I’ve already mentioned that the rockers are more working class. I’m sure some of the hippies are too, but it has been my experience that most hippies I have met and known and observed come from a middle to high class background. These are people who shun the ‘un-natural’ order of society. It is better to be holy and spiritual, live off the land (which you can’t really do here in Atlanta, but you can go to whole foods and buy overpriced organics).

I’m digressing here, but it’s relevant- I know this guy who used to be in the corporate world, his wife too. They decided to drop out of society, take their kids, their savings, and what little else they decided to keep and move to the mountains and be completely self-sufficient. They tried many different ways to build a completely organic, energy efficient home. Among their many failed experiments was to live in a home built completely underground. They had problems with the water table, lots of mud and water. They ended up living in a trailor on their land, and he moved back to Atlanta to make whatever living he could to send back to the fam. That’s when I met him. Even the best intentioned hippiness doesn’t really work.

Anyways, the people who I’m talking about are people who work at flower shops, bead stores, or are college students who will one day be anthropology teachers. I know I am blanketing, because I’ve met watitess hippie chicks, I know some of them work, but on the whole I think these people really do have ‘rose-colored glasses’ on. They are spoiled brats who don't give a rat's arse about anything but looking the part, talking the part, and flailing around like slow-motion epileptics to boring, repetitive, spaced-out grooooovvvvyyyy music. Most of them could use a lesson in their p’s and q’s. hippies give me hives.

I'll take "My Dixie Darling" over "Space is the Place" any day.

more cuteness

2006-11-27T03:21:00.000-05:00

HERE

So Cute!!!

2006-11-27T01:10:00.000-05:00

Here's some a video of nodding cats. It's great!

2006-11-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

Gobble Gobble Gobble!!!

I was driving home from a friend's house this morning. I had the windows rolled down, blasting music, having a good ol' time. Up ahead of me everybody is breaking and slowing down to about 30mph (in a 45) because there was a police officer nearby. The officer gets in the turning lane, and I, being sick of stupid people do a zig-zag around them about 5mph over the speed limit. I'm thinking 'Hey, it's just a cop, no need to freak out. And he's turning left anyways.'

Next thing I know, the officer gets out of the turning lane and is behind me, and I'm like "shit!"

Then the blue lights.

Now I'm really like "SHIT!!"

I pull down a side street and am looking for my driver's license with no luck when all of a sudden two hands slam down on my door (where the window is rolled down) and I hear "Happy Thanksgiving!!!" It was my friend Charles who was on duty. I was like "OH MY GOD!! You scared the SH*T out of me!!" I got out of the car and gave him a hug and had a good laugh with him.

There is an upside to having cop friends but there are dangers too! Their pranks are almost heart attack inducing!!

Happy Turkey Day!!!

2006-11-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

This can be found here on the Generator Blog.

2006-11-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

This is a pretty neat link for me, here. It's about wartime baseball and it has my grandfather's bio. I'm so proud! Just thought I'd share.

2006-11-16T14:29:00.000-05:00

I am shocked! I actually respect the people I work for! The last three bartending gigs I had were a nightmare because of faulty management. They were either paranoid drug addicts, drunks, backstabbers, and hopelessly stupid rednecks or all of the above. My new bosses are professional businessmen who recognize our hard work. It's great!

My six year old niece came up with what is (in my opinion) a brilliant Knock-Knock joke. My bro originally posted it here but I want to post it as well for my buddies to see. (I'm a proud auntie)

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Orange Squirt.

Orange Squirt who?

I said Orange Squirt. Are you deaf?

HaHa! I have the greatest niece!

2006-11-13T11:15:00.000-05:00

I've been working so much that I wake myself up with bartender talk..."five red snappers" and "what are these?" and "what can I get ya." It then takes me a second or two to realize I'm actually in bed. Jeez...I can't wait til my day off. (note: the lack of 's' behind day)

I was just flipping through "A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin and Henry Miller" Which I haven't quite finished yet. I found a passage that I underlined, which I just love and seems now more than ever to pertain to my life and state of mind. I'm not sure if I've brought this passage up before, but here goes...
Anais is saying to Henry

"It is true I create over and over again the same difficulties for myself in order to struggle over and over again to master them.......here *Allendy would answer: to continually struggle against the same problem and continually fail to dominate it brings a feeling of frustration and a kind of paralysis. What is necessary to life, to livingness, is to move on, in other words to move from one kind of problem to another.....The neurotic is obsessed woth one kind of problem. He cannot move on. Certainly there must be a great exultation to move on, not towards a stupid happiness (don't worry, that will never come to us) but towards other difficulties. The effect would be somewhat like that of travelling, of encountering new experiences, of expanding, whereas in the long run the effect of the persistent obsession with the old problem might be one of defeat, discouragement (not to speak of suicide etc.)"

*A psychotherapist she knew.

There are certain parts of my life where I need desperately to move on, but have been and am in that state of paralysis and I do feel defeated. I don't know how to move on in one area, but I do know some ways I can change. The change is scary and that's where my paralysis comes in. I'm going to work on it.

2006-10-18T19:59:00.000-05:00

la dee dah

2006-10-16T15:44:00.000-05:00

Antonio from Itlay posted a "five weird habits of your cat" meme on his blog, An Cat Dubh. I found it amusing; and seeing as I have a pretty kooky cat,Spot, I thought I'd share some of her quirks. She’s 18 years old now and getting wierder and wierder. My personal opinion is that she is going deaf and senile.

1. She wants you to give her food about five times a day, and most of those times she only licks the juice off the food.
2. She finds it necessary to “help” you with your tasks by sitting directly on the paper you are reading, or sitting on the keyboard while you are at the computer, or jumping on your paint pallet.
3. When you enter the living room, she flops down on the carpet, lays on her side, and stares at you till you give her a belly rub.
4. She loves the smell of onions, so if you’re using them while cooking, she’ll hang out at your feet.
5. Spot will not let you talk on the phone or to the person in the room without her getting her opinion on the matter in. Non-stop mewing.

confucious say

2006-10-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

Once again, it only took four days to find a new job, got hired last night. Yee-haw! Back in the bar business again, somebody shoot me. please.

postscript: I ended up finding a house painting job, so I didn't have to go back to the bar business after all. Phew. Then that didn't work out, and I quite possibly have a job at a paint and autobody shop. So excited!

postcript 2: Back at the bar afterall. At least there's something to fall back on. :)

2006-10-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

Can't believe it's been two months since I've posted. Wild! Time flies! All kinds of crazy things have happened and gone through my head since then, but nothing I can lasso down and share at the moment. Hi everybody who checks the site often... I know... empty promises of writing...but I'll come up with something soon. But in the meantime....

2006-08-01T12:21:00.000-05:00

Long time no post..... things have been hectic with a new place (w/out internet access) and a new job. Hopefully soon my wheels will stop spinning and I'll have time to write. ok bye bye

2006-06-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

Another good one from Twenty Major.

I have the biggest crush on Pete!

2006-06-18T15:21:00.000-05:00

From the UK's Big Brother 7. He's totally cute and quirky. I'm bummed that I can't watch it now that I'm back here. *sigh*

went to the beach today

2006-06-05T15:49:00.000-05:00

Here's a pic of Castlerock, N.Ireland. It was a perfect day!!!

Otis

2006-03-30T10:07:00.000-05:00

We found him a good home. Some tears, but we're happy that he's going to be well taken care of.

My Cutie

2006-03-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Meet Otis Redding, a.k.a. Bubba, Farty McPhee. This is going to hurt letting go of him, I am so in love!!! (and he's a momma's boy, loves me!)

Jesus and Puppies

2006-03-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Last night some friends and I planned to meet up at the bar, and Shiloh and Books ended up being late. Shiloh arrives, and with her she has this really skinny Boxer puppy with her. You can see the poor thing’s ribs and it’s shoulder bones protrude. He has the cutest face though, with big big brown eyes. He needs a home, and we volunteered to foster him and bring him back with us to my friend’s house. I spent the night over there, promising Shi that I’d take good care of him. He’s a total sweety, I just love him! I had to get up early this morning to go run some errands, and I didn’t have enough time to take a shower and I didn’t have a change of clothes on me.

So, anyways, I go to the grocery store. As I am walking back to my car, this lady rolls down her windows and calls out to me “Excuse me.” She’s got a big smile on her face, and looks a little embarassed. So I walk up to her window, expecting to give her directions or telling her where the nearest Wachovia is at. I get about 4 feet from her window, and she says “Remember that Jesus loves you!” I’m like “Uh.....Okay.” and make a quick U-turn towards my car. She yells out again “Have a Blessed day!” Me: “You too!” I kinda shrugged it off for a minute or so, then as I was starting my car I was thinking “Why did she do that? Is it some kind of challenge her preacher gave her? Do I look like I need to hear about Jesus? Why me? I don’t look like a druggie do I? I know that I don’t have any makeup on and am not freshly showered, but I’ve got a cute outfit on.......”

Kinda a waste of time for me (only a minute and a half, but still). That sorta thing lightly rubs me the wrong way. C’mon, it’s nice that you love Jesus and all, I think he’s great too, but why do you feel the need to bother people with your spirituality?

Oh well, just thought I’d share today’s little quirk. I can’t wait to get off work, which will be early today, because I’m going to go get little Otis Redding and take him to the park so we can play!

2006-03-18T13:06:00.000-05:00

I really haven't written much lately, especially anything with any substance. I don't know what happened. My muse is on vacation. I promise some more....stay tuned.....

2006-03-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

2006-03-03T01:01:00.000-05:00

Check out the talking cats and dogs.

2006-02-10T18:59:00.000-05:00

I’m painting this evening, and enjoying myself. I brought the laptop down because I have so much good music on there, and I like to hit shuffle. Sometimes it’s a little shocking though, because I’ll hear a long stream of chill music then all of a sudden DMX's "It's All Good" (“Love my N*ggas, but where’s my B*tches?......”) starts blaring out of the speakers. It messes with the mood. Oh well, that’s what I get for being eclectic. One thing I’ve never thought about at length until about two minutes ago, is that I have some music from some of my exes in there too. (Hence the voice in my head that says “I’ll never date another musician again.”) The thing is, is that their music doesn’t suck, they do. I still keep the music because I like it, and if the mood fits, I'll listen. I have to add too, that there’s only one thing worse than dating a musician, and that’s dating a crappy musician. Done that too. Or you could say, there's only one thing worse than a crappy boyfriend and that's a crappy musician boyfriend. “Yeah that’s great sweetie (what she really means is…“Step away from the guitar.”) Along with the whole mood changing dynamic is also this whole other world of 'ex-boyfriend mood changing dynamic', which often comes equipped with a HUGE eye rolling, and an immediate- Next! Sometimes I can't get to that button fast enough; cause not only do you hear them, you smell the Jack Daniels on their breath, and see that annoying greasy lock of hair that hangs over their eye. Lovely. Just thought I’d share. HaHa

2006-02-08T13:24:00.000-05:00

Here's my mural, not bad for a beginner if I say so myself. :)

Political Highschool

2006-02-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

This is real mature....

Iran's now having a Holocaust cartoon contest. They claim they are exploring free speech. Ha! It's a petty retaliation for something that is petty in the first place. Just cartoons people, just cartoons.

2006-02-06T23:14:00.000-05:00

So, Friday I had to leave the mural class early to get ready to go to this big birthday shindig we planned for Shiloh. (Which was awesome! Comedy show and Salsa dancing woo hoo!) I didn’t make the deadline that the other ladies did, but I could get away with it since the studio is in my basement. I’ve since taken advantage of being able to work at my own pace, and I’m not quite finished with the mural. Tomorrow morning I’ll be done. I am pretty pleased with what I accomplished, I have more talent than I was aware of. I can’t wait to start another! I’ve also found how completely soothing and peaceful it is to paint and listen to music. I could spend all day everyday in that studio; and hopefully with my new skills, I will get to spend more time in the studio with my mom. If you can make money off of painting I say cheers to that! (I'll post the finished product tomorrow.)

I talked to the most special wee man in the world today, my birth son. He’s three, and his attention span attests to that, so I didn’t get to talk to him much between his stints of showing off (and his mom saying “She can’t see you being silly”). When I did get to talk to him he had just gulped down a bunch of juice and told me he had the hiccups, and then exclaimed to me “I’m big now!” It’s been a year since I’ve seen him, and I’m completely surprised that he thought to tell me that. His vocabulary has grown so much since then. It’s so cute! Tiny, high-pitched voice with an Irish accent. It totally made my day!!

2006-02-01T21:23:00.000-05:00

Painting rocks!

1927-2006

2006-01-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Coretta Scott King is in our thoughts tonight.

Day Two

2006-01-31T21:35:00.000-05:00

We laughed a lot today. I'm exhausted, G'night.

Lesson One, Perspective

2006-01-30T22:23:00.000-05:00

I'm taking my mom's mural workshop this week. Today's lesson consisted of perspective and composition. I was VERY intimidated and scared, and not so sure about this thing called 'Perspective.' As it turns out it's not as hard as it seems, though I did have a minor malfunction and almost headed up a mutiny. "Ahhh! This isn't working!!" There was a sudden uprising of voices, but the Captain quelled it; and I realized after I used every last bit of eraser on the pencil, that I was trying to get four evenly converging lines from five points instead of six. Ah-ha! We learned that there is "no such thing as I can't" (at least in the classroom). I believe it now too. I drew buildings today that look just like the pic above. Perfectly in Perspective. Tomorrow we'll start painting. I Love it!! Hell yeah, this rocks!

A little perspective goes a long way. Once again, art imitates life. Perspective? I'm sure I could use that lesson in other areas of my life.

2006-01-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

Hollis Gillespie is a brilliant writer. I just love her!! A little about her.... She has a weekly column, “Moodswing,” in the Atlanta Creative Loafing, she’s got a couple of books, and she has commentaries on NPR. She lives in Atlanta and often writes about her friends and things that most Atlantans can relate to; whether it’s a restaurant, or the way some people walk slowly across the street seemingly daring you to hit them while you’re speeding towards them down the road, she coined the phenomena the “asshole stroll.” So appropriate! Her columns start out with her talking about something everyday and normal in her life (though her “normal” may be quite outrageous for some) , and usually ends with some heart-warming or humorous insight. When I pick up the “loaf”, I eagerly flip to her column to hear what she has to say that week, and am hardly ever disappointed. In this week’s column she talked about doing some home renovations and her trip to a big store called the “Sell Out Center”, which sells used furniture and appliances that come from liquidated businesses and such. I loved what she had to say at the end of the column:

“It literally looks like a hundred little planets came crashing to stop in that very spot. I don’t think it hurts to become comfortable in a place like that, as you never know when it might be your world that will end up here. If it does, then that’s all right. Let people pick it over, let them climb the giant carcasses of your past. You are still who you are. You do what you need to do, day by day. You smile or you don’t. You sell out or you don’t.”

Just like this time, I often find her writings to be a bit oracular for me. I often hear something I needed to hear.

Here’s a link to her column,

And her website is here.

Check her out, she’s brilliant!

That's Me

2006-01-25T23:48:00.000-05:00

The older I get, the more aware I become of my femininity. I guess I should note that I was a tomboy/rebel/intellectual kid and teen, and realize right now that I’ve actually had only about ten year’s practice at this woman thing. I had boyfriends and such, but they were dirty punks who loved the fact that I drank forties and got rowdy with the best of them. I was somewhat shocked when last week I found myself crying into the brownies I was stuffing into my mouth. I’m surprised I’m even admitting it; because I mostly try to be one of those non-crying people, and then when I do it only lasts a few seconds and I try to wise-up, which I did promptly this particular instance and reminded myself that I was tired and PMSing. Until the last year or so, I’ve never been one of those girls who looks at the magazines and wishes I were like the girls inside, never been jealous of other girls. Every once in a while I catch myself doing so, or complaining about the virtually non-existent pudge that appears at my waist when I sit down. This evening I was munching out, watching some bad reality t.v., feeling sorry for myself between commercials, pining over the image of a god I created (why do we do that?), and one of the scenes before me brought me the utmost relief.

The show was “Beauty and the Geek” , where they pair hot chicks with geeky guys and they compete for money. At an elimination competition one chick was asked what the capital of Iraq was. Squeaky voice: “Ummmmmn…Can you spell that?” Spelled. “Ummmmmn….Afghanistan?” I cringed. There were other examples during the episode too, that showed all the chicks to be brainless. It’s hard to believe that people that daft really do exist. Not knowing what Social Security was, nothing about the current war- are they living under a rock? And if so can I get the address so I can get a boob job and a tan? During the next commercial break I got up and headed to the kitchen to scrounge some more, and I caught a glimpse of myself in my tank top and hip hugging corduroys, my curves, and got the biggest smile on my face. Despite the do-rag and house slippers, I’m the cutest thing. I’m sexy, I’m intelligent, not crazy (ahem), and I’ve got a good life despite the road bumps. And I can laugh at myself for crying in the brownies. At that moment appreciating myself, and my curves, I was reminded of Maya Angelou’s poem “Phenomenal Woman.”

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

2006-01-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

This is a really neat story! Antonio from Italy posted this story in his blog. Antonio graciously blogs in both Italian and English, so scroll down for the English version.

2006-01-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

So, on behalf of myself and David Hasselhoff I have to appologize beforehand, but for you masochists out there......

check this out

thanks to my bro for this one

2006-01-18T00:31:00.000-05:00

After a few weeks of living in my mental sub-terrain, I find myself confident and refreshed. I've got to get back to the person I used to be. I’ve looked over what I’ve been up to lately, and the sum of it is not pretty. I’ve allowed myself to be negative for too long; and I’m sick of my laziness, messiness, the giving up and giving in. I’m also over superficial relationships of all descriptions, and had to separate myself. Subsequently, I have gotten closer to my family, and have learned a little bit about what compassion and love can do for us. I’m at a new beginning, and I feel grateful. Healthy living is becoming a focus, as well as a renewed interest in creative endeavors- writing and painting. It's great to actually take steps to change and not just talk about it. I'm very hopeful and can see this being a really good year for me. Sigh.......(a good one) Life life life

2006-01-17T22:36:00.000-05:00

I was just looking at the PostSecret blog, and found this one. I love it!!!!!!

hmmmnn..... art really does imitate life! HaHa

2006-01-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

2006-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

I don't feel tardy....

2005-12-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

I went to my friend Kris' Birthday dinner tonight at Istanbul Cafe here in Atlanta. It's her 23rd birthday. It was great!! I was a little leary because I do not like the spices used in Indian food, and I was afraid that maybe Turkish food had the same type of spices used and I wouldn't like it either. I loved it though, and the restaurant itself is amazing. The place is ornately decorated with tapestries and lamps and all kinds of beautiful things. We sat on pillows on the floor, and there was a belly dancer! She danced beautifully and balanced a sword on her hip and on her head. After the dinner we smoked out of hookahs, orange and grape tobacco. It was such a cool experience. We had a great time.

2005-12-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

job job job jobby job job job

2005-12-19T19:28:00.000-05:00

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the simplest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick. I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore:
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men.
I'm due to fall in love again.

-Dorothy Parker

2005-12-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

Got bored with the pink. I like this better.

2005-12-14T23:27:00.000-05:00

The Sea's Wash In The Hollow Of The Heart...

Turn from that road's beguiling ease; return
to your hunger's turret. Enter, climb the stair
chill with disuse, where the croaking toad of time
regards from shimmering eyes your slow ascent
and the drip, drip, of darkness glimmers on the stone
to show you how your longing waits alone.
What alchemy shines from under that shut door,
spinning out gold from the hollow of the heart?

Enter the turret of your love, and lie
close in the arms of the sea; let in new suns
that beat and echo in the mind like sounds
risen from sunken cities lost to fear;
let in the light that answers your desire
awakening at midnight with the fire,
until its magic burns the wavering sea
and flames carress the windows of your tower.

-Denise Levertov

2005-12-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

2005-12-14T20:31:00.000-05:00

Not much to say lately, talk at ya soon.

D.O.A.

2005-12-10T04:24:00.000-05:00

Just finished watching "D.O.A.", a 'film noir' made in 1949. I absolutely loved it!! The poisoning thing cracked me up during the film. "Tell them to prepare a stomach wash for Luminous poisoning." Luminous poisoning?!? The doctor showed the dude the test tube and turned off the light, and it was glowing in the dark. So then, at the end of the film, it had this little note saying that the "Luminous toxin" was a legit poison (signed doctor such and such). Ha Ha. It was real after all, or so they say....maybe there's a different name for it these days. "Plutonium, love it....hate it...." -Anne Waldman's song/poem.

"Underwear glowing...."

2005-12-09T22:12:00.000-05:00

So, we did kereoke again last night, so much fun, as always. I brought a camera and got some pics of us, and I started a gallery. The link to it is on the right under the other links if you feel like taking a peek. Here's one of my girl Jen, doesn't she make a good Bud Light poster girl?

2005-12-08T17:11:00.000-05:00

P.S. Sorry if John Stamos staring at you creeps you out. I know it does me.

2005-12-08T17:03:00.000-05:00

The grinch found the sparkly bunny for me, that is now my profile pic. Juvenile, I know, but I just love that cartoon. I'm on the roller coaster of quitting smoking. Ugh. The problem is that I like to smoke (for various reasons), but I don't like the fact that my lungs hurt and I cough all the time, that it'll make me all wrinkly with a gravelly voice in the long run, and it will kill me. Oh yeah, and the smelling of stale smoke part, and the fact that it would make me (as one of my "Little Shop" cast members told me years ago) more babe-alicious if I were a non-smoker. Gee wiz!

Ha Ha

2005-12-04T22:17:00.000-05:00

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

John Stamos

Who's Your 80's Heartthrob?

Great Weekend

2005-12-04T18:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me....
What a fun weekend! My friends are awesome! I'm a lucky girl.

Here's a pic of andy and I singing "Summer Nights" from "GREASE." Not the most flattering pic, but I had to post it.

We did some kamikaze kereoke, which is when the person doesn't know what they're about to sing, but have to sing it anyways. I picked out The Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" for andy. I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time, and his between the lyrics 'F-yous' made me laugh even harder. They made me sing an M&M song, "Guess who's back, back again...." HaHa It was great fun! Three cheers for public humiliation!

2005-12-01T01:38:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah........

2005-12-01T01:33:00.000-05:00

Did I say F-U, becuase I meant it, from the tips of my toenails.

this ariticle rubbed me wrong......

2005-12-01T01:24:00.000-05:00

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002655921_webpigeons30.html

Howdy

2005-11-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

I slept in today, and I'm now contemplating what to do. Wash my car or go shopping? It's going to be sunny for the next couple of days, so the car can wait til tomorrow. I should get a part-time job, I saw a hiring sign at Jersey Mike's Subs. That can't be a hard job, "what do you want on it?" Maybe I'll go there, then go shopping. We went xmas shopping for the kids in our family yesterday, and found some cute stuff. I couldn't help buying myself the Kiss My Ass Happy Bunny slippers I'm wearing right now. Love em! Here's what the picture looks like.

Well, I'm going to go make some food and contemplate today some more.

2005-11-26T02:16:00.000-05:00

Andy has found some myspace accounts for people we both worked with or served at Camp Drunkass. One of these people is a chick named Kerri, who is completey adorable and bubbly, and happy and fun. Everybody who meets her just loves her. Well she had this nifty little survey on her site which is here, and I decided to do the survey and post it. So, here it is.

And the Survey Says....

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Lisa
Birthday:	December 4
Birthplace:	Puerto Rico
Current Location:	Georgia
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Blond
Height:	5'$"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Irish and Slavanian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Tennies
Your Weakness:	Beer
Your Fears:	The past haunting me.
Your Perfect Pizza:	Xtra Cheese, peperoni, black olive, and artichoke hearts
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Complete Physical Fittness including No Smoking!!!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Hey Andy
Thoughts First Waking Up:	I need a cigarette
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	Varies
Your Most Missed Memory:	Being in Ireland
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Micky Dee's
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	Unfortunately
Do you Swear:	Yeah but I try not to
Do you Sing:	Yes, not very well mind you
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Check
Do you want to get Married:	Maybe
Do you belive in yourself:	Yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	Yes
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love them!!
Do you play an Instrument:	Not really
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Probably a lighter or two (inadvertantly)
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes
Ever Shoplifted:	Once I stole a tube of chapstick
How do you want to Die:	What kind of question is that?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Writer and Stage Manager
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Brown
Favourite Hair Color:	Dark
Short or Long Hair:	Short!
Height:	Taller than Me
Weight:	Medium to Large build
Best Clothing Style:	Casual but Neat
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Hmmmnnn
Number of CDs I own:	Who counts their cd's?
Number of Piercings:	10
Number of Tattoos:	2 homemade
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Quite a bit
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

2005-11-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

2005-11-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

So, it’s a lazy Sunday and I’m drinking beer and trying to find something to watch on t.v. ( while I’m online too, hmmmm) I love the info buttons, helps you figure out if you want to watch a flick or not, or let’s you know if you’ve seen that episode of C.S.I. yet. It tends to save you some grief, because there are some movies you know you don’t want to watch if certain red-flag names appear.... Merideth Baxter, Woody Allen, Cher, John Stamos, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzeneger (even though I used to LOVE the Terminator movies, and wouldn’t put it past myself to watch Terminator 2 again...or Junior…haha j/k ) , Sylvester Stallone, Morgan Fairchild, Madonna, Keanu Reeves. I’m sure there are others. Actually, positive. Right now I’m watching “Two Gun Lady” a fifties Western, there isn’t much on the tube, except Laguna Beach and like oh my god! she didn’t invite Jessica to her party!?! (I only read the info button- I swear!) (Well, I caught myself flipping back ONCE because I’m a reality T.V. junkie, but within a minute’s viewing I once again realized that OH MY GOD! It’s not reality.) And we’re not getting into a ‘what is reality anyways?’ shpeel. I’m a fan of sharp-shooting females yeah yeah! Femme Fatale! Allright, so that's my wisdom for the day- don't take for granted the info buttons your cable carrier gives you.

2005-11-18T17:36:00.000-05:00

Don't have a whole lot to say.... been doing lots of thinking these days. I'll talk at you guys soon.

2005-11-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Had a major epiphany today. It came after I spent two hours or so writing, and then driving in traffic at dusk staring at the oversized yellow moon on the horizon. I couldn't stop staring at the moon.

2005-11-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

blast from the past!!!!!!!!! Wu Tang Clan's 36 Chambers. I was browsing my friend's cd case this morning and found it. "Oh my god! I have to borrow this!" So I listened to it on my drive home, and I was transported back to being a 17yr old stoner. I was screaming with joy as each song came on. "Just your nuts on the dresser.... and bang them shits with a spiked f*%king bat.......keep feeding you and feeding you and feeding you.....M-E-T-H-O-D MAN" I haven't heard that album in so long!!!!!! Good stuff.

2005-11-11T03:06:00.000-05:00

My father had to feed me for the first few days (weeks?) of my life. My mother was very sick after I was born. At some point soon thereafter he went back to sea.

We talked tonight for about an hour. He told me about when he came back from sea that first time after I was born. He had to re-acquaint himself with that little girl in the blue dress. And she was looking at him like she didn't quite know what to think of him. He could have sat up front with my mom, but he sat in back with me. I can almost imagine my reaction. The way little babies turn their necks real quick, look at you- and then look away. Kick their feet up and down.

We ended up talking about everthing from the military to the distilling process of spanish sherry (flor). I needed that. And there will never be an hug in the world that matches up to my father's hug. I'm a lucky girl.

2005-11-10T10:38:00.000-05:00

that pic was quite painful. glad its gone now.

OH MY!

2005-11-09T11:56:00.000-05:00

Jack Daniels and PBR

2005-11-08T01:25:00.000-05:00

Let's step into Lisa's mind

2005-11-07T23:11:00.000-05:00

Quitting my job a couple weeks ago has jolted me back into forward thinking: What am I going to do with my life?!? I found myself as a jobless bartender, with bills, with an Associate of Arts Degree, about to be 27, living at home (with 3 adults- with whom no matter how much I love them- drive me nuts), longing for privacy and independence, and just generally down on myself.

"What have you done with the past ten years LISA!!!?!!!"

The past week I’ve been job hunting, bar and otherwise. Although I'm very bright, have a degree, I'm accomplished academically, and capable of any job thrown at me from building a flat with crazy dimensions, to writing a brilliant review of a scholarly journal, to making that bloody mary with the horseradish and all- that my customers love oh so well; I am somehow not qualified for the mindless job of filing records in the back of some office. So I say to myself "Well, just go back to the bar, somebody will hire you."

I have this plan to go to the University of West Georgia in January to finish my Theatre and Comm. studies. In the past five years I've gone from wanting to be a Theatre professional to wanting to be a Historian to wanting to be a Theatre professional. (And within all this wanting to keep writing) The plan is well played out in my mind. I see my little shitty (emphasis on mine though) apartment, I see myself studying, working. But I have this nagging feeling, maybe it's just a fear, that I won't do it. Then I fear that if I go through with it, maybe I'll hate my job after its all said and done, and I should've gone after History after all.

This is where we step into my brain. I get the suggestion to join the Army and I'm like "No Way!" even though I know it is a route to independence, structure, income (enough anyways), career finding path blah blah blah. And I know that what I need is a SOLID PLAN. So a few hours later I'm actually thinking about it. I even look up the website, and after reading a little I was once again convinced that it is not the life for me, not at this point. It might've worked for me when I was 19. I was actually thinking about joining the Air Force at that point too. So I brain storm, "think: plan, structure, career." And I go back to the idea (I have many times entertained) of being a flight attendant. I look up all these airlines looking for job openings, and as I read the job descriptions I realize that it is like being a bartender but worse! I know how I get on a long flight, I remember all the assholes and headaches that go along with traveling, and realize that I don't want to be one of those people who have to put up with the bad attitude of every type of person imaginable. Then I start thinking about the fact that I was planning to go back to college.

I look up the U of West GA website, again, and I start looking at the classes I would be taking. I get all excited and go "Ooh, I'll take this and this and this my first semester. I could even take a history class for the hell of it." I go into the History classes and I start thinking "What if going for that Theatre thing is a mistake? What if I'm supposed to go into History and be a professor. Look at these classes! I would love to take that one!" Then I start to think well, if I went back to History (which I have my A.A. in), I wouldn’t have to go to Carrollton, I could go to a school in Atlanta.

All this in less than twenty-four hours.

GOOD GOD WOMAN, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

What is wrong with me? I love so many things, and ideas, but am not willing to commit fully to any. I have got to get my act together. That's all there is to it. So I'm going to do some serious thinking the next few days about what it really is I want to accomplish, and then go for it damn it. I hate feeling like a space cadet. I'm too old for this crap.

I was reminded, and it is very true, that I need to look at how far I've come in the last few years. I did have some major setbacks in my career building history, some of them my fault, some fate. So there's really no room to be down on myself. I only need to keep moving forward (I see it as trudging along, swimming because it's the only option I have, living the roller coaster that is Lisa, but whatever).

So there it is. What I wanted to say today.

Evil Andy

2005-11-04T09:02:00.000-05:00

Andy found a mug shot of me from when I was 18. I'd tell you how he found it, but I'd have to kill you. So, in the spirit of self-loathing (in which I am completely immersed these days) and having a good laugh at oneself, I have decided (and promised) to use it as my profile picture. Lap it up while you can because in one week the picture will self destruct.

I'm feeling the full force of worrying about finances, today's bills- as well as how I'm going to accomplish my short-term goals. I was driving down the road the other day listening to The Retro-plex on 99X, and the song "I'm An Adult Now" by The Pursuit of Happiness came on. Never heard it before, it cracked me up, and hit home too. 'I don't get drunk despite you, I get drunk because I want to....' 'I don't put chemicals in my body any more...' There was also stuff about going to work (money), not staying out late etc.

I'm going job hunting now. I've got a couple prospects to follow up, and going to just put myself out there. Adios

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2005-10-31T10:37:00.000-05:00

I Love this holiday. Candy, dressing up, and scaring little kids- it doesn’t get much better than that! I was having a discussion this morning about how we used to have to get the candy checked out by the parents; and my friend told me that in his town, in Pennsylvania, when all that poisoned candy thing was going on, that they stopped trick or treating all together and they got their candy from the Fire Department. He said it was cheap candy too. So that brought on the subject of the yucky candy. It is an American tradition, in which a handfull of geniouses have to instill, to give out the yucky candy. Every Halloween it inevitably happens to every kid, that he or she pours out the candy on the living room floor, and looks down (person about to get stabbed in a horror movie music) to see the candy with the black and orange wrapper. The disgusting, much hated, black and orange candy. Somebody’s gotta do it though, and in the spirit of terror and horror, I decided I’ll go out and buy some to give out. It occurred to me during this conversation too, that one year I passed out little wrapped tampons with the candy. The idea of “Mommy, what’s this?”, brought me sheer delight. It’s awful! I can’t believe I actually did that. Anyways, Happy Halloween people!